Life As We Know It: February 2008

So I thought I should write something about the weekend Jeremy and I shared. We switched kids with a girl I work with, so Friday night we go to go out for our Valentines. We had big plans for dinner, but the place we were going to go was full, so we had Mongolian Grille---so delicious, but not quite the "fancy" note I think Jeremy was trying to hit. And we were going to catch a movie, but couldn't really find one that we wanted to see that would get us out before the middle of the night. We tired to go to the mall, but they were just closing (you know its a happening town when there is nothing to do after 9:00) but they had a bunch of cars on display from the Ford place so we played in those for a while and then went to pick up Maeli. She must have had a blast playing with baby Maya because she was asleep when we got there, and didn't wake up until 9:30 on Saturday. What a blessing. Due to the cancellation of fishing plans I got to spend some of Saturday with Jeremy too. We were pretty non-productive in the morning, just usual Saturday chores. I gave a 2-hour massage in the afternoon, so I had to get the house clean, and Jeremy worked on some school stuff. While I massaged he and Maeli went to Decagon (Jeremy's work) and got some stuff done there. My favorite, was Saturday evening.
We went to a workshop on "Making a Good Marriage Great" by John Lund and his wife. I was really excited about it, Jeremy kind of had to go by default, there really isn't any why to get out of it without being "the creep who won't work on the relationship," but he went with a good attitude, which I really appreicate. I thought the presentation was great. It was mostly about communication, which everyone needs help with. I thought it was interesting that 1:5 communications is misunderstood...no wonder things seem to always be so crazy. Brother Lund explains communication as an exchange of understanding. Each party giving their opinion (without interuption from the other party) brain storming other options and then negotiating or taking turns if no agreement can be met...ideally. I liked his point about once a decision is made (he gave the example of deciding where to vacation) whether it was a compromise, or so-in-so's turn to pick, both people need to be 100% on board. Something I not very good at, and I'm embarrassed at how many potentially fun things and moments I've missed out on simply because it wasn't my first choice so I had a bad attitude. Brother Lund did a little comparisson between Men and Women, I thought it was so funny...He said men can either-talk, think, or listen, whereas women can do all at once. So when I woman is talking to a man, he's either listening, or thinking (not thinking about what she's saying). He needs time after she's done talking to think about what was said (or to make something up if he was thinking about something else and not listening at all). So women should let men know 3 things up front: (1) if what is coming is going to be painful (2) how long its going to take and (3) what we expect the man to do when we're done. Doing these things will allow him to get ready, pay attention for the allotted time, and come to a conclusion. Exactly what we're wanting, right!? However, (this really cracked me up) If you ask a man for his opinion--he gave the example of, "Honey, the bathroom is really dingy, what do you think?" the woman thinking, "I'd really like to paint the bathroom"--the man, who has probably never thought of the bathroom, will in the 30 seconds after you ask him, come to a conclusion which he will then defend tot he death, such as "everything works, I think its fine." Huge potential for a fight. Vs. "Honey, I want to paint the bathroom this weekend, both of us together, working hard, it will only take 4 hours, and then no matter what you can go do your..." I LOVE THIS! What Jeremy seems to have absorbed the most, was the part of the presentation about being accountable for your words. Setting body language and tone of voice aside so that its just "content communication." Say what you mean, mean what you say. "Please take out the garbage" vs. "Gosh the trash sure stinks." Declarative statements are not requests. Brother Lund talked about the misconception that "if you have to ask, it doesn't count." Even asking for recognition that you've cleaned the house, or finished a project, or whatever. We've been working on this since Saturday, somewhat in a blatant display, but I think it has a lot of meaning. Brother Lund is a divorce counselor in Utah and told a story of a couple that had been married for 50 years and came in because, "he doesn't understand me" and "and she is never satisfied." it seemed to boil down to she was a hint dropper and he was more than willing to do whatever, but honestly didn't pick up on the hints. "Content Communication." Viola--great marriage.